Confessions of the garmently challenged, part 1

Hello, my name is Farkle (That's not my real name of course, it's my blog name. It was my understanding that one must choose a snappy name under which to blog with and I chose Farkle), and I'm garmently challenged. If you looked up the word, 'garmently', in the dictionary and couldn't find it and have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. You'll understand what garmently is probably by the time you finish reading the next sentence. I have been challenged by undergarments in particular for much of my adult life. I can't tell you how many times Ann has heard the words, "Hold on. I have to pull up my underwear." Many times I feel alone and think I'm the only one who's underwear falls down and rolls itself up so it's only an inch tall while walking, but I hope there are others out there that share in my pain. I'm not clear if the issue is that my butt is not bulbous enough to hold up my underwear, or I'm just buying the wrong size. Ann likes to remind me I have what she calls a 'toddler butt'. I guess it's 'toddler' in the sense that it never fully grew up and developed into the nice roundish shape one usually associates with butts. Can't do much about that now, but what about underwear size. How does one know what size underwear to buy? Am I being irrational in my thought that it's creepy to try on underwear at the store? Granted I know one is supposed to keep their own underwear on while trying on a new pair at the store, but does everyone follow that rule? I don't know, even with that personal underwear barrier, trying on underwear that has been tried on by some other shopper at Mervyns is a little more intimate than I usually like to get with a stranger. Do I guess at a size or buy many different sizes and styles to bring home and try out, and then use the ones that didn't work out as car wash rags? I wouldn't feel comfortable returning the unchosen underwear to the store. Bras are one thing, but underwear? I've bought 6 bras to try on at home and dance around in before picking the one I thought I could live with, and returned the rest. The difference with bras though is that there are is a smaller chance of the bras coming into contact with any personal 'moisture'. I think I need an underwear shopper/advisor. Since we were talking about bras though, I'll confess I have some issues and challenges there as well. First off, underwires. For some of us, can't live with them, can't live without them. In my experience, and please don't tell me I'm the only one, those darn things never stay where they're supposed to. Another phrase Ann has heard on many occasions, "Hold on. My underwire is stabbing me." In my experience, underwires like to either poke out the side and stab you just below your armpit, or they protrude too far outward in the middle where the gals come together. They don't often like to lay flat. I sometimes fear when I'm giving someone a hug that I'm going to pierce their chest with my protruding underwires. Heaven forbid I inadvertently pop someone's fake boobs with my 'gone astray' underwire. Another issue I'm having with my bras is the fact I've become allergic to them. All of them. And no, it's not the detergent I'm using, it's the bras. See, I have metal allergies and my body gets very upset when it is intimately touched by anything metal other than pure silver or gold. When a good friend of mine read my blog for the first time and saw I named it, "Boycott Velcro", she said, "I'm surprised. With all your metal allergies I thought you'd be very fond of velcro". That's another story though. Anyway, as a gal knows, most bras have metal where the straps are adjusted. Mine are no exception. Now I'm 36 years old, although I'll be 37 in 12 days, so I've been wearing bras for many years. This is the first time in my life I've had an allergic reaction to my bras. My thought is that my gals, free spirits that they are, are feeling I've oppressed them for too long and would like some release time. We all go through different phases in our lives and it appears the gals are feeling they want more freedom these days. Did they pick that up from their mom? Perhaps. But nonetheless, even though they would like to bounce and cavort unencumbered in public places, I think it's in everyone's best interest that Francesca and Genevieve, don't. For safety sake, mine, theirs, and the people around us, it's best they be seatbelted to my body, even if it means with an itch producing bra. If anyone has noticed me reaching under my shirt and scratching my back or shoulders, this is why. I will offer up a reward of, I don't know how much, I am kind of frugal, to anyone who knows of any place that sells bras with no metal and/or can offer up underwear sizing advice. Until then, I'll be buying another gallon of calamine and looking for some rainbow colored underwear suspenders.

End...part 1

Part 2 will talk about my outer garment challenges.